Something Cold and Blank Behind a Smile

Thursday, 14 May 2009

  • Stupid

    I think that so much of what I've written here has become stupid, has become just something I occasioanlly think about and go back to-
    but I shouldnt. it's time to move on. Having been accepted to college, having passed exams and gotten ready to graduate- there's nothing more I can really do other than admit that I don't have it that bad. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel like there's supposed to be something wrong with me- a reason, perhaps why my father and U don't get along other than the fact that he and I are both ridiculously stubborn people. Yes, I'm frustrated, Yes, I'm upset with other things, but I need to move on from where I'm at- and this time not in an overly dramatic ending o rebirth. This is what it is, a moment in my life, and thats what I have to deal with.

    I once heard a woman say you feel every emotion by the time you've reached 18. I've got a few months left, and I would LOVE to be able to say that I have, most of all, sheer joy.

    My heart used to jump every time I saw him, I still feel safest when he's talking to me, or laughing or wrapping his arms around me- but I think that's slippng away.

    I need more time with him- and I don't think he values this as much as I do.

Monday, 17 November 2008

  • I suppose things have changed. Its not only me, its everything else. I'm so sick of being hurt, being torn apart by people who refuse to allow me to know them. I keep falling off the edge... placing myself up on a shelf, just to throw myself off over and over again. its not only unfair to me, but to everyone else.
    Its not about me, is it?
    Thats why I try to protect them....
    There's no such thing as unlucky, because if there is, I passed that mark a long time ago.
    Its not even that any of this upsets me... its just that to be numb would at least allow me to look at it through clear eyes. Its not pleasant watching things through a fog....
    This is the reason I got glasses, the reason I got scars. One more layer to distance myself from the world.
    Its hard to look through this when the needles only pierce one layer, the ink only covers one, and the lenses are far too clear.

    I'm not unhappy.
    I'm just afraid I keep making a jump when there's no net to catch me.
    Currently: All the Pieces

Sunday, 24 August 2008

  • Clock's

    Under the clock's watchful eye,
    time has passed by (ever so
    successfully) with it's willow thin wrists
    wrapped with fine stringed guitar notes.

    It's too late to tell you what I meant for you to hear,
    (it's been too late for the longest time)
    I mean not just today,
    there's something I refuse to bury.

    You took the train of thought; I thought
    I'd left it behind so many years
    ago with the ocean and the sand
    the scent of salt and how it rusted my very core
    into blood red specks that shatter on contact.

    One little blue letter is all I ever asked:
    Instead you gave me my heart back
    twined in knots I can't comprehend.
    (The blood runs cold from lack of
    circulation.)

    Two little looks is all I ever asked:
    Perhaps your eyes were too black from pupils to see
    anything at all beyond your own
    unexpurgated desires.

    Three little words were all I ever asked:
    Rather than that, you walked away,
    dripping unsaid syllables like dirty oil
    leaking from the intestines of a dying
    tanker.

    Under the clock's watchful eye
    Time has passed by (ever so
    lonely) with it's willow thin wrists
    wrapped in thick, sorry notes of the piano.

    Currently Listening: No, Virginia...

Monday, 16 June 2008

Wednesday, 09 April 2008

  • I'm still alive.
    still kicking.

    and now:
    a poem.

    She's hears her own voice
    rip out of her body,
    swelling and rolling out of her
    throat,
    gravelly and rich,
    tearing on the strings of her own
    marionette heart,
    tugging it with her
    skeleton and broken-hinge
    fingertips,
    stained yellow from
    smoke and overuse of
    paint.
    It's delicately scraping her from the
    outside in,
    carving small hearts and
    letters into her
    skin,
    as a single
    dry
    tear
    flakes from her
    empty
    star-dust
    eyes.



Sunday, 24 February 2008

  • reading back through the blog entries I've written over the past four years, I've realized how much I've changed. I'm no longer that girl, unsure of sexuality, unsure of who she is or what she wants, I'm a young woman, I'm a mother, a lover, a sister, a being, and I wish that those who knew and loved me then could see me now. I wish tht I could hold them and tell them it will work out, it will be ok, but I cannot. they are gone. those that have helped me grow, those I have loved and lost are no longer, and now, for them, (for me) I must be me. I must live, and do, and love. I will. I will be always. I will be memories.

Monday, 04 February 2008

Sunday, 27 January 2008

  • Broken wings

    I am a bird
    with broken wings
    flapping at your
    window sill:
    avoiding the cars
    stories below.
    will you let me in?

    I am a bird
    with broken wings
    calling from the
    rooftops:
    waiting for the
    stray cats
    to dismantle me.

    I am a bird
    with broken wings
    lying in the
    prison cell:
    safe from the world
    but trapped

    By myself.

Thursday, 24 January 2008

  • Pour Vous

    Occasionally,
    the black keys of the
    piano
    remind me of her
    desperate ways,
    gashing the space between the
    alabaster white
    notes
    that line the surface
    of a beautiful voice,
    a beautiful heart,

    I sometimes run my fingers
    gently
    over those
    thin
    unwieldy
    children of the
    keyboard
    and think:

    if she had been a chord
    E minor would have fit
    perfectly
    between my
    ash-tray fingers
    and cinnamon lips.

Saturday, 29 December 2007

Monday, 24 December 2007

  • Christmas eve.
    and I dont give a fuck.
    we visited his fathers grave today.
    he made me leave.
    I don't know where he is now...
    and I have every right t be worried.

Monday, 17 December 2007

Friday, 14 December 2007